State of Vermont Announces Relocation to Denver

The move follows North Face parent company and Outdoor Retailer show to Mile High City.


Ending months of speculation, Vermont today announced plans to relocate the entire state to Denver, Colorado.

Citing desires to be closer to the capital of the outdoor industry, to the heartbeat of the outdoor recreation economy, and to Sancho’s Broken Arrow bar menu, Vermont also acknowledged that personal reasons had contributed to the final decision.

“My renovated farmhouse on 11 acres will be worth about $19 million on the Front Range,” said Vermont. “Needless to say, I’m pretty stoked about the move.”

The announcement marks the most humungous move to date for states seeking to grow their outdoor recreation economy. Because while economic development agencies have made national news by attracting publicly traded companies (“VF Corp relocates to Denver“) and major outdoor industry trade events (“Outdoor Retailer relocates to Denver“)—no one had previously convinced an entire state to “pack up their bags and move to Cherry Creek.”

Vermont, which has the square mileage of three Yellowstone National Parks and a population about the same as the Mile High City, began its RFP process nearly a year ago. The comprehensive process included a group date, a one-on-one date, and a weekly rose ceremony.

The ultimate decision was far from easy, as Vermont received compelling propositions from numerous qualified suitors. Other locations eliminated during the RFP process included Reno (“too hot”), Portland (“too rainy”), Duluth (“too many flowy mountain bike trails”) and Bozeman (“too many ex-Vermonters”).


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“With its surging population of outdoor recreation companies and its proximity to Eldora, Loveland Pass, and Mary Jane, Denver was really the perfect venue for us to relocate the entire state,” said Vermont. “But mainly we wanted to lock Denver down before the rest of California moved in.”

The relocation to Denver is anticipated to provide Vermont with numerous outdoor recreation economy benefits – such as eliminating the impact of a two-hour time difference at the start of every Outdoor Retailer trade show and shortening the distance to Boulder’s Outdoor Industry Association, also known as the Outdoor Industry Association.

The move is a major win for Colorado, as Vermont will deliver one of the most concentrated outdoor recreation economies in the country, with 3.5 outdoor recreation jobs per square mile and 54 outdoor recreation jobs per 1,000 citizens. Vermont also will bring its 25 mountain bike trail networks, 15 ski areas, 800 miles of groomed cross-country trails, 7,000 miles of rivers and streams, and one really, really big lake.

“This is a win for everybody. For Denver, for Vermont, and especially for that guy on the 16th street mall selling Sanders/Hickenlooper 2020 t-shirts,” Vermont added.


Photo by Jalan’s Place


The Adventurey Report is almost certainly not true.


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Showing 44 comments
  • Chris Zimmerman
    Reply

    i know this is an attempt at satire, but the ironic thing is vermonters wouldn’t consider that vermont is not the best state in the country for even one second. maybe new hampshire would have been more appropriate?

    • Steve Casimiro
      Reply

      In our eyes, it’s not an attempt at satire, it is satire. But maybe it’s in the eye of the beholder.

      Also, this piece indeed was written by a current and longtime Vermont resident.

      • NatefromStowe
        Reply

        I also heard New York City wants to move to Delaware.

      • David Swanwick
        Reply

        hope you are well Steve – good story!!

        • Steve Casimiro
          Reply

          Swany!

  • Butterfly
    Reply

    We have too many people here as it is being a native to Colorado so this is no win for us here! Please stay in Vermont!!

  • CL
    Reply

    So true about Bozeman!

    • El gato
      Reply

      Butterfly, I’d rather have Vermont instead of New York and California here. The states that have taken over Denver and Boulder.

    • jennifer goetz
      Reply

      Yes!!!! of course I would take someone from Vermont over California any day these California transplants are ruining everything that is wonderful about our state we vacation in Vermont every summer LOL

  • Al Toid
    Reply

    As a native Mainer we would welcome the move. 🙂

  • Denim
    Reply

    Have New York and New Hampshire agreed to repossess Vermont?

  • Levi
    Reply

    Dave Barry level of satire. If people are even a little offended you did a good job. I live in Kentucky so meh.

  • Mike
    Reply

    Drew, why’d you have to tell the world about this? If Miron finds out my house is now worth millions imagine what the grand list value will be? Good to see you hanging with Steve though. I’ve been a fan since the surfer days

  • Lisa Amidon
    Reply

    Totally Dave Barry style of satire, thank you for noticing. I love Colorado and wouldn’t move, 300-plus days of sunshine is a bonus. However the Fall Foliage is very shades of brown and water is a very scarce resource.

  • GKS
    Reply

    Left behind the beautiful state that I was born to. Moved to West Texas to gain back some sanity of what it is to be able to make it home in 10-15 minutes. Enjoy family and still able to use proper income to make quality living. Denver is way out of hand and has become to liberal to anything and everything. Too much is not always a good thing. It ruins enjoyment of quality life.

    • gringo
      Reply

      If you feel that Denver is ‘too liberal’ then I would imagine you are not missed there 😉

  • Georgia Splinter
    Reply

    Not funny for us in Steamboat Springs Colorado after learning we are losing one of our major companies to Denver.

  • KK
    Reply

    We really need to start putting a moratorium on people moving here this is totally outrageous and ridiculous nobody is paying attention whatsoever it’s all about money money money money don’t be surprised when you find more shootings happening road rage is already out of sight how can they continue to build when we don’t have more major arteries somebody’s pockets are being mined and it isn’t women and children

    • Eddie
      Reply

      What?????

    • Sally A Madden
      Reply

      WHATTTTT ?????

  • Jon from Dartmouth
    Reply

    I’m getting giddy just salivating over the lower cost of a good grade maple syrup once the move is complete. I’m tired of tapping my lone sugar maple in my front range front yard. Hurry up this move! Syrup season is 6 months away…

  • Jim Carrier
    Reply

    There goes real maple syrup – Cherry Creek won’t allow wood-burning evaporators.

  • Paul
    Reply

    As a Coloradan, born and bred in Denver, and now raising a family in Vermont, I’m disgusted by this idea! The chain stores in Denver would be overrun with Vermonters who need socks, pillowcases, and other basic goods – it’d be no fun to shop in strip malls anymore! And the Vermont farmers markets would be too full of flatlanders looking for things grown using water that they’d run out of produce for the rest of us! This is a terrible idea. Contact your senators, congress folk, whoever you need to to prevent this from happening!

  • From NH
    Reply

    Fantastic article Drew! imo VT is better than CO. Despite the oppressive taxes and awful business environment, at least there are less Texans skiing in Starter Jackets and jeans. Truly sorry to hear about your Cali/NYer problems though. That’s a double dose of awful.

  • David
    Reply

    Does Vermont need any room-mates?

  • Don't do it
    Reply

    Don’t move to Colorado. Don’t move to Vermont. Stay in your home state, roll up your sleeves, and work to make it reflect the world you want to see!

  • Jimi Poindexter
    Reply

    Wait do we get Bernie too? I might be ok with this…

  • Kevin
    Reply

    Can we trade you Pueblo or Greeley for anything while we’re at it? A large bucket of maple syrup would suffice. You can keep Bernie.

    Also love that you included a picture of our ubiquitous winter Front Range lenticular cloud with the article, for all you Vermonters, that’s the product of our consistent hurricane force winds at the divide during ski season, which makes skiing above timberline so uniquely enjoyable, you get that little bonus at no charge with the move. Also horrible ski traffic, work day gridlock, summer smoke and smog, and overpriced homes. Welcome to Colorful Colorado!

  • Brian
    Reply

    Glad to see Adventury Reports again!

  • Ben
    Reply

    Why would anyone want to live in or near Denver, of all the places to choose.

    I think this is just another case of legistlators not listening to the people. The people don’t care about retailers and their wares, they got the real goods (outdoors), why share it?

    I suspect Vermonters would like a little less rain, warner temps in the winter, and sunnier winters. Might I suggest Klamath Falls?

    One thing Vermonters don’t want is urban density, bad air, hot air, and purple politics.

    • Mojo Jojo
      Reply

      Vermonters want bitterly cold weather to keep all of the fairweatherers from moving in. A return to a real winter will ensure the survival of maple trees, and suppress tick and other pest populations (a.k.a people from New York and New Jersey).

  • James
    Reply

    Oh Crap………some one shut the doors at the tunnel and lost the keys!!! The mountains are all on fire!!! Better stay home!!

  • Eddie
    Reply

    The real problem with such a move is the fact,that there are already so few native Vermonters. So who will actually move? Native Vermonters or the more numerous out-of-staters who have re-located to Vermont for college and never left or some other ubiquitous quality of life reason? Vermont has become as much a state of mind place as a,real state. I hope they don’t move. I like having such optimistic people as neighbors to my own New Hampshire! (except I, too, am a Massachusetts transplant…)
    Love the sarcasm.

  • Frandi B
    Reply

    Welcome, Vermonters, to a SALES TAX, (soon to be about 19% if all the socialists here get their wish in the upcoming elections.) Welcome to a 4 hours drive to get 85 miles to a ski area that sells more passes than their ski areas can handle. Welcome to the Crazy Religious Right in 3 of the 5 largest counties in the state. Welcome to an already overpopulated state that has no more water, (you’re going to want to bring your own!) But PLEASE, KEEP BERNIE ! No, we DO NOT WANT HIM! Welcome to cities where you have potheads driving around totally stoned, while waiting in hour long traffic jams, just looking for the next pot shop. Welcome to a 3 hour drive to get anywhere west of the foot hills, where it used to take 1 hour. Welcome to unaffordable housing and unaffordable rent. Welcome to a state whose mayor of the capital city is just a yes-man for unethical developers. (Oops, I just repeated myself there.) Welcome to a state already over-run with transplanted Californians, New Yorkers and worst of all, Texans. 🙁
    WELCOME you poor sorry suckers!

  • Lindsy
    Reply

    This made my day!
    I kind of miss Colorful Colorado!
    But I feel kind of spoiled living here… I don’t want to say because Vermont might get ideas!

  • Howie
    Reply

    While the copy is satire (and brilliant, and where the hell did Dave Berry go anyway?!) the photo is not. That’s the view from my house Steve! Sadly, that photo was taken in early February last year and, well, tells the whole story of skiing here. But, after Colorado’s winter, I’m not sure we want to go there either. Montana? Too many ex-girlfriends. I’m thinking B.C. We could fund all of Bernie’s free stuff with all those natural resources. Cause, even with a special maple syrup tax, free college and health care is still a stretch here. Damn reality.

  • Mojo Jojo
    Reply

    I don’t think Vermont coming to Colorado would be a great move – if this was real. Something in this world needs to be preserved. Vermont should not be tainted by the corruptness I see everyday in Denver.

    The sled rides down Lincoln Gap would take years. Tasteful public nudity would be extinguished.

    As an Vermonter here in Colorado for a few years this would be no bueno.

  • DanO
    Reply

    Ridiculous idea. Vermont will never fit inside of Denver. And there would be no more Voodoo donuts left at 11PM.
    Now if you moved Vermont to Canada now and waited for a few years it might shrink down so it fit with the exchange rate.

  • mizzjojo
    Reply

    please bring the bitterly cold winters. but leave the clogging.

  • Ann
    Reply

    Nope not happening. If it was or is, I would have moved there 30 years ago. Please do not confuse us, we both love outdoors, true enough. We both go against the grain, true enough. My cousin lives, there, I live in Vent – though we sure similar values, true enough. Like visiting, true enough. But we have cows, and New Englanders, and orneryness, Denver has I don’t know, Bison or something, and cowboys, and West Coast stuff. True enough. We like socialism and stuff. We both love clear air, green spaces, the scent of pine, playing in snow. We are siblings

  • Julie
    Reply

    Please bring Alchemist with you!!!!!!

  • Louise Blake
    Reply

    This is hilarious, you really “had” me for a minute!

  • Hos
    Reply

    A match made in heaven. Perhaps Denver should move to Vermont?

  • ChampyforPres
    Reply

    STOP PRESS! In a wild update, the state of New York is claiming that the ‘one big lake’ (Champlain, for those who don’t know) is 50% theirs and as such has to stay put. This position has the backing of the remaining New England states, who issued this joint statement. “We insist that the lake stay, as it provides an essential natural barrier between ourselves and the goddam desolate wasteland of New York. I mean, who would want to live next to them? (New Jersey was not available for comment.)
    The custody battle over the lake hinges on the logistics of moving half a lake without spilling. Champy was seen to be browsing the pages of aquaticrecreationalvehicle.com.

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