Ah, skiing. It’s the greatest. The crisp mountain air, the rhythmic weave down the slopes, the mouth-agape scenery, the connection with nature. Right? Wrong. The lift lines, the terrible grooming, the unkempt lifties, and dear sweet lord, the prices! The snow is too white, too soft, and then somehow it’s too hard. There’s never enough of it, until there’s too much of it. Ya know, there should be a place for disgruntled skiers to air out the dirty laundry of a tainted ski experience. Enter Yelp to the rescue. Think you’ve had a bad ski day? Check out these one-star reviews.
Bob from Park City, Utah, has an issue with the 12-ounce curls at Park City: “The lifts move far too quickly. I have tried many times and can barely finish a beer by the end of the ride. Unfortunately, I bought the Epic pass so I have to continue drinking at this resort for the rest of the season. I will buy a pass for a different resort next year.” Good luck, Bob.
Ben from Las Vegas, Nevada, has some, ahem, thoughts about Breckenridge: “Let’s start from five stars and work backwards. Lose a star for the fact that I spend more of my day in lift lines than I do skiing down the mountain. Lose a star because Breckenridge has the worst layout of any ski area I’ve been to. Lose a star because I have to pay $12 to park miles from any skiable terrain. Lose a star because they constantly overinflate their snowfall. I’m not saying they lie. I’m sure they have a perfectly scientific way of reporting snow. All I’m saying is that where I come from, if you report 8 inches of new snow it’s because you have 8 inches of new snow for people to ski.” Breckenridge’s snow ruler was unavailable to answer questions.
Frank from Venice, California, had a gross time in Telluride: “Telluride is not really cut out for REAL skiers or families…If you ski groomers and think going on a double black makes you badass, have at it. What counts as a double black here might be a challenging blue on a powder day at Alta, Taos, or even Mammoth. I had to JUMP over an entire line of rocks on 3 runs off of the top of Chair 9…TRide is trying to charge Vail/Deer Valley prices but they seem to attract the douchey wannabes rather than legit skiers. Deer Valley is great service and classy. Telluride is my kids pointing to a used condom in the middle of the street 50 feet in front of the Gondola. Oh, did I mention the affinity for douchebags and their obvious cash?” Frank updated this review to 3 stars after the resort reached out. He will be giving Telluride another chance. No report as to the whereabouts of the sullied prophylactic.
According to Robert from Ventura, California, Mammoth is great for doctors, but not for skiers: “Daily lift tickets are now $149-plus at the window. For a family of four for three days of skiing is $1,788. This is just the lift tickets. Thinking about eating something? Mammoth will happily charge you $10-plus for a burger and about $5 for a cup of drip coffee. Thinking about ski school for the little ones? I hope you have the gold or platinum Amex. If you think a snowstorm would make for an epic powder day at the top you are wrong. High winds keep large portions of the mountain closed for days at a time. On some of the storm days, the majority of lifts are closed. When the storms do pass and the ski patrol starts bombing the upper portion of the mountain, the lifts stay closed until mid day and the avalanche debris fields turn into an orthopedic surgeons wet dream.” Ew.
Jackson has an emphasis on the Hole according to KR from Philadelphia: “This mountain sucks. Don’t even consider coming here. You pay an outrageous amount for a lift ticket and all you do is wait in line until 11 a.m. when the lifts actually open. Not to mention that people pay an extra $250 for a guide that allows you to ride the gondola at 8:45 a.m. when the mountain opens at 9, even when the staff says that no one can ride the lifts due to various bullsh** excuses. WORLD CLASS SKI RESORT RUN BY WORLD CLASS [capitalized expletive deleted].” All caps is yelling with a keyboard and should therefore be taken very seriously.
Jay from Denver, Colorado, pulled no punches for Vail: “Goddamn Vail sucks. Excellent mountain, terrible people. If you like a bunch of rich people from Texas wiping their butts with $100 bills then this is the place for you. If you like a chill, authentic style mountain town don’t go to Vail. Vail is essentially a mall in the sky. Pretty disgusting if you ask me.” Does anyone else feel bad for the $100 bills?
Piggybank issues in Aspen spoiled the experience for Dani from Santa Ana, California: “The people that ski here are a group of complete [expletive deleted]! The majority of people on this mountain are old grumpy skiers that are very entitled and think that they own the mountain. They’re very mean and have major attitude problems. I can only venture to guess that they have not gotten laid in a very, very long time…Also, this mountain is full of rich filth and the vibe is just absolutely terrible! Will never come back until these horrible human beings go somewhere else!” No report on migration patterns of horrible human beings.
Kam from Brea, California, does not like Snowbird. Not even a little: “WORST. MOUNTAIN. EVER. I am a snowboarder so forgive me if you hate my review. I am looking for decent runs that are wide open, and I do not like moguls, but will ride through them if I have to get to another run. I had no idea this place didn’t groom their runs. I get there on a snowy day and I see nothing but moguls everywhere. Nothing but narrow fire roads that they use to get from place to place, and the park is literally a joke. I can count the number of features they had set up on one hand…The one thing I hated more than anything were the amazing amount of moguls that I’d encountered throughout the seemingly limitless number of runs with moguls. Later that day I found out—guess what—they don’t even groom most of their runs. This place is by far the worst resort I have ever been to. Two thumbs down.” At time of publication the moguls had been put away for the off-season and were therefore unavailable for comment.
Big Sky’s employees are unimpressive according to Karl from Moab, Utah: “A real disappointment. As a seasonal staff member I have lost any respect for Big Sky Resort. Communication from management is awful. Most of the staff are transient bums whose life goal is to get high on a daily basis. The culture of the resort is a hands off policy by management when employees misbehave and act out. The skiing is okay, but not as good as Utah.” It is unclear as to whether or not Big Sky has authorized timeouts for misbehaving employees.
James from Park City, Utah, may have had trouble with the fuzz at Sun Valley: “Resort is mediocre and the sheriff’s department relies on out of state tickets to fund their department. Busy restaurants, mellow terrain, just no real reason to ever go again.”
Daniel from Sunnyvale, California, does not have a sunny disposition about Taos: “This place is the PITS. A bunch of amateurs on the mountain thinking they are much better than they are. The blues are greens and blacks are really blue. If you grab a Mountain Collective Pass then 100-percent skip this dump. The staff is awful, the mountain sucks, and the skiers are terrible. The mountain is absolutely not that great. There are a handful of runs absolutely worth skipping. Don’t even get me started on the lifts. And the village blows. Everything closes at 8:30 p.m. Meh.” The trail rating confusion may or may not have been caused by colorblindness.