Mountains are dumb and adventures are stupid. Why would anyone want to bask in the glory of Mother Nature’s symphony? Because they’re a dirty hippie, that’s why. Ya know what’s fun? Not doin’ stuff, that’s what. But every now and again some jackalope will ask to join in on some super cool guy bro mission to a picturesque alpine lake or a river trip through ancient lands or some dweeby natural wonder or something dumb like that. Well, when enough is enough. When a simple “nah, brah” won’t suffice, try out one of these foolproof excuses to get out of adventuring.

1. I’m allergic to laughter and friendship. Also, accountability makes me break out in hives.
2. I only like to talk about doing outdoorsy things, not actually doing outdoorsy things. I’ll be over here on this barstool planning the big things I’m not going to ever do with the people I know or perhaps have just met. It’s gonna be great.
3. Meh…everybody (skis, runs, hikes, boats, bikes, climbs, backflips, dance fights, or whatever elses) that.
4. Today is my rest day. I have to rest up from yesterday’s rest day and prepare for tomorrow’s recovery day. Can’t mess with the system, brah.
5. I have plans to sit on a deck in an old beach chair that is inside of a hose water-filled kiddie pool and read while drinking a grapefruit LaCroix on ice (see above photo).
6. Text me before you go.
7. Four a.m. start?! I’ll meet you at the trailhead.
8. Is it Gram-worthy? ‘Cause I don’t think it’s Gram-worthy. I wouldn’t even Insta-story that.
9. I don’t have the right shoes. Also, I’m lacking any sort of general desire to do that.
10. I’m vegan.

Photo by Sean O’Connell


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