Hi there, pals. It’s me, Super Extreme Radical Awesome Guy. You may remember me from that one time you thought you had fun outside until I told you how I did that same thing earlier, with more weight in my pack, and had a better, more extreme time. That line you skied? Yeah, I greased it blindfolded before the sun rose. Oh, that climb you had to hike two days to get to? I crushed it in flip-flops, naked. MANTLE! That class V section of river you boated? Yeah well, I taped two boogie boards to my feet and skated down it. It was sick, but like, it was whatever for me. But good for you for doing all those things. Wanna be radder? Here are the Super Extreme Radical Awesome Guy’s three super awesome tips to let ‘em know just how extreme you get on the regular.
1. The Barstool Orator
The first part is easy. Go do something most triumphant outside. But no matter your adventure—it goes without saying that it has to be supremely epic—make sure you can get back to the Locals Only watering hole for happy hour. The nacho and wing specials always draw a big crowd, your audience. Hold court and spin a yarn. Make sure to stay in the same clothes you were wearing during your epic. It adds authenticity to your already swelling radness. An exception to this rule is changing into a ratty tee shirt, an old pearl snap flannel, and greasy Carharrts. A well worn flat-brimmed trucker hat and bro tilted sunnies is a no brainer. Talk about your day and talk often, ending each sentence in an inflection. It’ll add a laissez faire attitude to your already extreme mellowness.
2. The Art Of One-Upmanship
Now, your tales of mountain triumphs will surely spark conversation. This is a good thing. Your day-of adventure saga is akin to a fishing lure. It’s shiny and pretty and tempting and will cause your prey, ahem, audience to open their mouth and begin their own tale. Then BLAMO! Crush their dreams. Cut them off and use their story to springboard into another, even more epic personal tale. Sharing is caring in kindergarten. But at the mountain town watering hole, sharing will get you nowhere in your pursuit of the Most Extreme Hombre In Town title. Only allow others to speak if it will help your story. Or if they’re giving you compliments. Then let them talk as much as they want.
3. Picture Time
You should constantly be stacking footage and documenting and insta-tweet-snap-face-mailing your activities. Summit selfies are a great way to let everyone see how rad you and your tan are. Also let everyone know that you yourself, as a personal, singular outdoor brand, are all about authentic communion with the mountains. So, create some super adorable hashtags and tag companies that you want to get sponsored by. Sponsored or not, make sure to tell people at the bar that you are a sponsored athlete. Then show them pictures of your super duper rad outdoor adventures. And ask them to follow you, especially if your audience is made up of Super Extreme Radical Awesome Gals. Follow for a follow, mi amigas. #InstaFlirting