I have a friend. He has a cool mustache, a beautiful Land Rover, and a wonderful girlfriend. Together they recently returned from a three-month overland journey from Florida to Alaska and back and I have to admit that I initially feared for their relationship, as I do for all couples heading out for the first time. As far as I know they had never traveled together for such a long period in such cramped quarters and I have been witness time and again to married couples divorcing and young lovers fleeing each other at the end of a big journey.
I partially blame Instagram and travelers like me who feed the world a highlight reel of beautiful moments, camps, landscapes, beaches, and experiences. It’s a false reality, the way Disney princess movies show an unrealistic view of relationships. We help create the illusion that our lives are perfect and you too can live this perfect life. You never see the negative moments, and the bar is set too high.
But life on the road is not only magical hikes and campfires—it’s more typically a daily exercise in patience, dirty dishes, laundry, extremes of heat and cold, dust, driving, and disorganization. At home, in the real world, you and your lover may only spend a few hours a day and the weekends together. Your home is equipped with facilities and distractions and, most importantly, indoor plumbing. On the road, you will be together 24/7 and the personality traits that bug you but you’re usually able to ignore will be amplified to an eight on the relationship Richter scale. No one likes to be told that they’re annoying. Words will be said, words that can never be taken back and that will be catalogued in the arsenal of past infractions to be dusted off for future combat. You suddenly hate each other but are stranded together in a car, hike, or campsite. You have to work together and live together; if you quit and leave the relationship is over, so you are forced to work it out. Or not.
A mechanical failure in a remote area, with the sun setting, ice on the ground and no mobile signal is one of the greatest tests of a relationship. All the bluff and bull will fly out the window and you will get to see what your partner is really made of. If he or she throws a tantrum, storms off in a huff, screams, performs, cries or shoots blames at you like bullets, it may be time to start planning your exit. If he or she makes you a cup of coffee while planning a repair or extraction you are in good hands, this is the kind of person who you want to hold hands with through life.
The building blocks of a great relationship on the road are the same as a great relationship at home—it’s just that fault lines are exposed. And maybe, in a way, being on the road is a great test for compatibility. Do you continue to respect one another, even when you see each other at their worst? Do you continue to communicate well, to set aside the petty differences because you can see the bigger picture? Can you understand that the trials of the road are just problems to be solved together?
Those couples whose affections survive a long-term, long-distance overland journey will have done so through compromise, their relationship will be the rock upon which they can build a beautiful life together. They may marry or eventually drift apart but they will know each other truly, deeply, and honestly.
Overlandia is the art, science, and romance of driving in the dirt. To see more, visit the Overlandia channel page.
Graeme nailed it.
My wife and I are 11 weeks into a cross- country USA trip in a 34′ travel trailer – it’s all true. And our accommodations are like a 5000 sq ft colonial compared to his Land Rover rig.
Our instagram feed is full of glorious sunsets, pristine rivers, buff singletrack, cool wildlife, and campfires with new friends. Our instagram feed has never shown a moment where my wife says “Just pull in there” where “there” is a parking lot that is a veritable dead end for our rig. It doesn’t show the moments when I’m not pleased with the way my wife is driving with the trailer. It doesn’the show us picking a site in a campground.
One thing we need to do is spend time away from each other. When I go out on a 3-hour bike ride, it does wonders for our relationship. When she takes off with the truck to explore for a few hours, we treat each other much better when she returns. It’s OK, spend time apart.
Currently in La Pine OR,
Dan Murphy
Sometimes it’s easier to travel with a friend than with an intimate partner (in my experience). there is less expectations about getting along maybe? I’ve had great travels with both but often it seems easier with friends. for one thing it’s no big deal if you do your own thing for hours at a time.
We couldn’t agree more. We are now 18 months, constantly on the road together. We are also happily married since 24 months. It’s not always easy. But at the end of the day, it’s 100% worth it. We can’t imagine our life to be different. Traveling is always the best test for the relationship. If you want to be sure, you want to spend the rest your life with someone, just hit the road!
Sophia and Ruben, currently in Montreal, Quebec
http://www.everydayroutes.com
Excellent piece, Graeme. When everything hits the fan, it’s so easy to let the worst of yourself come out. Thankfully, my partner and I have been able to work through those times – the worst times. Looking back to those moments, they have been important building blocks for our relationship to grow upon. Ego is such a tough pill to swallow! Now, I always strive to be the partner that lights up the jetboil for cowbow coffee during moments of strife.