So. Yellowstone National Park is having quite the year. Early last month, a Jackson local emailed me with another account of tourist-based hijinks and wrote, “Town’s never been crazier…and it’s only May!”

Well, not much has changed. There was the Save the Bison Calf incident, the Pet the Bison incident, and then the Woman Butted By An Elk incident. And as a public service, fishing guide Hank Patterson has put together this important (read: satirical) guide to not becoming one of the tens of hundreds of thousands of people to get eaten or kidnapped in Yellowstone every year.

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