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At 4:30 p.m. last Wednesday, a 600-pound grizzly bear crossed U.S. 287 in Yellowstone National Park, stood up on its hind legs, sniffed the air briefly, and walked away into the brush on the other side of the road.

It was awesome, as witnesses would later confirm.

“You know, I’d never seen a grizzly bear in person before,” said Larry Pendergrast of Muncie, Indiana, who was visiting Yellowstone with his family. “But in that brief few seconds, I think we were all able to understand that it was an extremely powerful and dangerous animal capable of ripping the door off our family sedan as easily as you or I could open a can of beer, and then killing everyone inside in a matter of minutes.”

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While commanding the respect and awe of all the puny, frail, human beings in the vicinity, the bear clearly did not give two shits about any other mammals in the area, but may have briefly considered flipping the Pendergrast family’s car over just for fun. Instead, it loped back into the forest to eat more berries and chill like a boss.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays during the summer, the bear can often be seen running uphill at 32 mph, swatting pesky wolves away while eating animal carcasses, and calmly containing its ability to crush anything that gets in its way.

The Adventurey Report is almost certainly not true.

Photo by Princess Lodges


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