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Terry Stanton, a tax attorney from Scottsdale, Arizona, spent 11 minutes lusting after his next-door neighbor Ryan Tomlinson’s turkey and Swiss on 11-grain bread at the summit of Battleship Mountain in the Superstition Mountains Wilderness on Saturday.

Stanton slowly gnawed through two energy bars at the summit as he stared at Tomlinson, while trying to appear as if he was not staring. He believed Tomlinson’s sandwich also contained mayonnaise, mustard, and arugula, although he didn’t verbally confirm with Tomlinson. He believed, from the rock he sat on approximately eight feet away from Tomlinson, that he at least smelled mustard and heard the crunch of a vegetable of some sort when Tomlinson bit into the sandwich.

Stanton was not totally sure that it was in fact arugula, but thought that if he were to make a sandwich similar to Tomlinson’s instead of bringing those stupid friggin energy bars, he might use arugula, or perhaps spinach, to give a little texture to the turkey and Swiss. Perhaps he might crack a small amount of pepper on the turkey before placing cheese on top of it and sliding it into a Ziploc bag to be placed in the lid of his backpack, where it would slowly warm as the men hiked. Maybe the backpack lid would get enough direct sun to melt the cheese just a little before he triumphantly plucked it from the pack on the summit and tore into it like a crazy person. Which he was not at all-just maybe a little hungry. Not crazy.


Stanton, perhaps motivated by his mild dissatisfaction at his trail lunch, mentioned on the way down from the summit that the men “should really get a couple of beers and burgers” before they headed home. Tomlinson was noncommittal and appeared more interested in a quart of chocolate milk he chugged while hiking downhill.

The Adventurey Report is almost certainly not true.

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