Travis Werner, a 32-year-old sales professional from Draper, Utah, narrowly escaped injury after being attacked by a mob of angry, self-righteous Whole Foods customers last week. His crime? Werner threw a bunch of stuff in the wrong bins at the Trolley Square Whole Foods in Salt Lake City after lunch the other day.
Werner had enjoyed a meal of Hatch chile macaroni and cheese from the prepared foods bar, a small salad of organic mixed greens, and a one-pint cup of vegetarian chili, which he washed down with a bottle of ginger kombucha, right before failing to take the time to understand the differences between Compost, Recycle, and Landfill.
After finishing his lunch from the prepared foods bar, Werner approached the trash and recycling area with his items, read the signs above the receptacles, looked at the items in his hands, looked back at the signs, looked at the items in his hands, looked back at the signs, then looked at the photos of items underneath the signs, then walked over and threw everything in the trash, all as if he couldn’t give two cents about the future of our fragile planet and his impact on it.
A nearby customer, on her way home from yoga class, saw Werner’s action and confronted him angrily. She was soon joined by a small army of Prana- and Lululemon-wearing women, some of whom brandished organic hemp yoga mats over their heads. A quick-thinking Whole Foods employee pumped Nag Champa through the storewide aromatherapy system and put Enya on the PA and the mob quickly centered itself and dispersed gracefully toward the probiotics aisle.
“Wow,” said Werner, “that’s crazy. Second time that’s happened this month.”
The Adventurey Report is almost certainly not true.
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