For a sport known for its purity of purpose, the news from Helsinki was like a nuclear bomb detonating. Yesterday at a hastily assembled press conference, the world’s most celebrated Nordic walker, Jukka HÃ¤mÃ¤lÃ¤inen, announced his retirement after rumors in Nordic walking forums that his motivations were less than perfect. Red-faced and barely speaking above a whisper, HÃ¤mÃ¤lÃ¤inen said, “I admit it. The post-walking parties, the girls, and, most of all, the compensation were what drove me. I’m embarrassed to say that I was just in it for the money.”
A reporter from well-known Nordic walking magazine, StridensplÃ¤tz, asked, “Is it true that in a drunken moment, you told onlookers that Nordic walking was, and I quote, ‘Really nothing more than walking with sticks’?”
HÃ¤mÃ¤lÃ¤inen mumbled a barely audible “yes.” The assembled media gasped, then began packing their gear. What more, really, could be said?
The Adventurey Report is almost certainly not true.
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