What's on his mind? Don't wanna know.

One of the most clever and crude climbing route names ever is in Colorado – Eldorado Canyon’s “Your Mother,” a 5.12d sport route on the west aspect of the Bastille. The possibilities for conversation for men giggling like high school freshmen are endless: “I was on Your Mother last Saturday,” “I just got off Your Mother,” et cetera. And yet you don’t have to worry about explaining the name to your 10-year-old when you’re at the crag, should he or she find it while flipping through a guidebook.

Not so with the route names on this list. Many of these would make a sailor cringe (so if you have delicate sensibilities now’s the time to leave the room…seriously). It certainly says something about the minds of rock climbers, though I’m a little afraid to speculate precisely what. I just know this is a very limited sample of what’s really out there – a semi-comprehensive Joshua Tree route list alone is enough to make a “birds and the bees” talk with your teenager last several hours.

1. Aliens Ate My Penis, Shelf Road, Colorado

2. The Incredible Horse Cock, Ten Sleep, Wyoming

ADVERTISEMENT

3. Caustic Cock, Red Rocks, Nevada

4. My Little Dick, Vedauwoo, Wyoming

5. Lay Into Gary’s Vagina Waves, Mount Rushmore National Memorial, South Dakota

ADVERTISEMENT

6. Hillbilly Sex Farm, New River Gorge, West Virginia

7. Sex After Death, Hueco Tanks, Texas

8. Prison Sex, Eldorado Canyon, Colorado

9. Preteen Sex, City of Rocks, Idaho

10. Geriatric Sex Maniacs From Mars, Red Wing, Minnesota

11. Skull Fuck, Rifle, Colorado

12. Let’s Fuck the Crack Whore, Joshua Tree, California

13) Fuck You Finger, 420s, Colorado

ADVERTISEMENT

14. Pocket Pussy, Red River Gorge, Kentucky

15. Harry Butthole Pussy Potter, Horseshoe Canyon Ranch, Arkansas

16. Who Put the Purr in my Pussy, Index, Washington

ADVERTISEMENT

17. Shriveled Penis, Mount Lemmon, Arizona

18. Daily Dick Dose, Hueco Tanks, Texas

19. The Biggest Tits in Country Music, Vedauwoo, Wyoming

20. Tits Out For The Lads, Flatirons, Colorado

21. Tits Up, Shelf Road, Colorado

22. Anal Clenching Adventures, New River Gorge, West Virginia

23. Hairlip Blowjob Ecstasy, Mount Lemmon, Arizona

24. At Your Cervix, Indian Creek, Utah

25. Skin Bus to Tuna Town, Fremont Canyon, Wyoming

26. Rim Job, Smith Rock, Oregon

27. Grab My Sac for a Toy, Joshua Tree, California

28. Harder than Your Husband, Vedauwoo, Wyoming

29. Rock Out With Your Cock Out, Joshua Tree, California

30. Unwiped Butt, Joshua Tree, California

31. Yer Anus, Rumney, New Hampshire

32. Liberace’s Anus, Major Wall, Soccorro, New Mexico

33. Sphincter Quits, Joshua Tree, California

34. Magical Chrome-Plated Semi-Automatic Enema Syringe, Lumpy Ridge, Colorado

Photo by Jose AS Reyes/Shutterstock


This the most important story we’ve written this year:

The Future of Adventure Journal and Why You’re Critical To It


Brendan Leonard is a contributing editor to Adventure Journal. Follow him at his blog, Semi-Rad.