The Ultimate ‘I’m Sick of Lance Armstrong’ Poll Collection

lance and oprah 660Well, that was awkward.

So, Betsy, how do you think the interview went?

Judging by the texts, tweets, Facebook posts, and my own two eyes, Lance Armstrong didn’t exactly knock the house down with a confessional tell-all on #Doprah. Twitchy, nervous, and at times just plain weird, Armstrong refused to answer one of the most critical questions (did he tell doctors in a hospital room in Indiana that he took PEDs?), frequently used passive constructions, referred to himself as the royal we and leaned toward the third person as if it were someone else he was describing. It was a performance completely consistent with the notion of a calculating, ruthless competitor who desperately wants to return to sport.

Or not. Perhaps you saw it different. Well, there’s a poll for that. Fire away.

Oh, and I’ll send a $25 iTunes card to whoever writes the funniest caption to the above photo.

Congratulations to Aaron, whose comment made me laugh out loud: “People said I wouldn’t have the ball to come clean on doping. Well I do, and it’s this big.”

{ 78 comments…read them below or write one }

  • Kyle

    “…Then the subject would put one of these three receptacles into their rectum. A painful process, fortunately it got easier over the years..”

  • Geoff

    Oprah, what I am about to tell you is shocking. I’ve done something that is very wrong. I’ve mislead and betrayed people. I… I am Lennay Kekua.

  • Trent

    My left testicle grew to about this size, and that is when I probably should have stopped. But the label said inject directly into the sack!

  • Scott

    “Just to be clear, I didn’t just call you fat – you USED to be fat. But that’s different than me calling you fat right now. Anyway, back in the ’90′s, your coconuts were at least this big. I could have had you.”

  • mims

    So , I will squeeze together the giant hairball i will now cough up, and you can take some of your hair and mold into a ball and then we will attach them to these straws and generate natural gas. I just solved the peak oil problem!

  • Dan

    Hmm I still think that Lance is part of the reason road biking became so popular. He may be a liar but I am one of those crazies who still thinks he did some good

  • KT

    Lance: “See…I still have my purple TDF trophy!”
    Oprah: “No you don’t.”
    Lance: “You’re a liar! Give me Dr. Phil!”

  • williamtombert

    …then i took my testicle and ate it, providing myself with the ultimate victory over cancer; a victory that i would try to recreate in cycling. Every time i beat Jan i would fatten him up over the winter in preparation for eating him, just like i ate my testicle

  • Loonfeather

    The worst punishment the cycling culture could inflict on LA is to ignore him. Let’s not waste anymore bandwidth on him; instead, lets put the good guys in the limelight – real ambassadors for and competitors in the sport of cycling, like Ned and Tinker.

  • David in Wyoming

    “I’m deeply flawed, but your breasts…….I can’t stop staring.”
    “How many of my teammates did you say testified against me? [counts on fingers] 10…11″

  • Mike Sande

    So on about the 86th mile, my balls swelled up about THIS big… And that’s when I new the testosterone injections were working…

  • Jason

    I agree with Loonfeather… Although, things are never as black and white as the media portrays it. As a culture we perseverate on our fallen heroes, but there are still an awful lot of good people in our chosen passions. That’s why most of us picked up a sport in the first place. We got inspired by someone and then found positive reinforcement from other participants. Whether it was a smile on the trail or a simple chat on a lift, it’s the everyday “weekend warriors” that make it enjoyable for me. I am bummed that Lance has turned out to be more sociopath than gritty hero, but it doesn’t make cycling any less enjoyable for me. Besides there will always be someone new to root for…

  • Canuckinco

    You see, when I had all these sponsors, my bank account was this big. Then when the sh!t hit the fan, it shrunk to this big. Your check makes it this big again, but I need it to be this big.

  • Monte

    “…and after the third or fourth series of doses, and consequently a new saddle, the swelling in “lefty” got to be about… about the size of… sized like… damn, Oprah, now THOSE are huge.”

  • jake

    So, did you get the PDF of the PEDs I took while racing in the TOF? Really helped my PRs and my KOMs. Or the APB I put out to all my BFFs who ratted me out about using EPO? I thought I was G2G until someone ratted me out…WTF….

  • tyrone.sweetlick

    Lance is just going to keep looking at these hands so he can stay mesmerized. He’s no longer mesmerized with himself because there is a void in his soul. But staying mesmerized helps him stay on message. It also helps him mix the cocktail of success. Shake it with Lance, Oprah! Shake!

  • Treesus

    “After I used drugs to beat cancer, a bike race seemed like kid stuff. I sorta think that was wrong of me. Can u forgive me?”

  • chucky

    I call BULLSHIT on the 60.47% of you who claim you’d have “stayed clean” in the same situation. When your livelihood, and that of those who work with you and for you depend on remaining competitive, any intelligent person would reluctantly adopt the “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” ethos to even out the playing field.

    The fact remains that if not one participant in the TdF was on the juice, Lance would STILL have won – so as all his GC competitors were also on the juice, he STILL won ‘fairly’.

  • Hayduke

    What the hell is in that blue bottle on the table in back? And what’s in the little box? Who decorated this set, Nancy Reagan?!

  • Moore Cowbell

    Making accusations go away was like a magic trick. I’d yell at people, intimidate them, threaten to sue them…then alakazam POOF….they were gone. Does that make me a d*$k? Maybe. But in the infamous words of Dave Chappelle “I’m rich biatch!”

  • Gilligan

    “Now I likes to do just like the rest
    I likes my sugar sweet but guarding fumes and making haste
    It ain’t my cup of meat
    Everybody’s just standin round neath the trees, feedin pigeons on a limb
    But when Lance the Eskimo gets here them pigeons’ll go to him
    Oh come all without, come all within
    You’ll not see nothing like them mighty wins

    Now a cat’s meow, Erythropoietin, I could recite them all
    Just tell me where it hurts you, O, and I’ll tell you who to call
    Nobody can get any sleep, there’s someone on everybody’s toes
    But when Lance the Eskimo gets here everybody’s gonna dope
    Oh come all without, come all within
    You’ll not see nothing like them mighty wins.”
    -L.A. (with insincere apologies to Dylan)

  • Carl

    “and I would have got away with it if it wasn’t for that damn state trooper, 57 in a 55 and I get pulled over, he searches my vehicle and then find my crystal meth in the boot. I mean there was no denying it the stuff was this big!

    I guess it all just snowballed from there really, they put the pieces together and realised if my feet where clipped in then there was every chance I was jacked up. I didn’t go down for the meth though, they understood that it was for personal use”

  • MissDouble F

    All sponsors should abandon
    All Cancer charities should abandon
    All Sports affiliates should abandon
    Hell! Just stick him in the desert & abandon!

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