BIGFOOT DNA TEST PROVES CROSS-SPECIES HOOKUP WITH HUMANS

Some day, Bigfoot is going to turn up, do an interview on Anderson Cooper, get a reality show, and be mad as hell that few believed. Until then, we’ll have to dance around the margins of proof, with reports like the DNA test conducted by a researcher named Melba S. Ketchum, who was part of a group that spent five years decoding what they say is a human/unknown hominid species. Yes, Sasquatch. Tracking mitochondrial DNA, which is passed via maternal lineage, the group at DNA Diagnostics in Dallas says that Bigfoot and homo sapiens knocked cross-species boots about 15,000 years ago, with homo providing yin and Big providing yang. “Genetically, the Sasquatch are a human hybrid with unambiguously modern human maternal ancestry,” Ketchum said. The report is undergoing peer review and eventually be published. Until then, Ketchum won’t say where she got the yeti DNA, and other scientists have no way of evaluating the claim. One critic suggested the DNA was contaminated by ancient but run of the mill human chromosomes. To him we say, watch your back, buddy. He’s coming. Via LA Times.

DUMP TRUCK RUNS OVER CYCLIST’S HEAD – AND HE SURVIVES

Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. A cyclist in Arlington, Virginia, home town of yours truly, was waiting at a traffic light next to a construction zone when an unattended dump truck rolled out of control, knocked the cyclist down, and ran a wheel over his head. The man, who was wearing a helmet, was taken to a nearby hospital with what authorities called “non-life-threatening injuries.” The truck, which had been left with the engine idling, was found to have multiple safety violations. Via WTOP.

FEDS BAN BP FROM BUSINESS CONTRACTS

After pleading guilty to manslaughter and other crimes connected to the Deepwater Horizon explosion and massive gulf oil spill and paying billions in fines, BP has now been banned by the federal government from bidding on or entering into any contracts with Uncle Sam. “EPA is taking this action due to BP’s lack of business integrity as demonstrated by the company’s conduct with regard to the Deepwater Horizon blowout,” the EPA said in a statement. The action doesn’t affect existing contracts, but could hurt BP in the future — the company was excluded from a recent Interior Department auction for 20 million acres in the western Gulf of Mexico. Via CNNMoney.