What if you meet the perfect partner, ideal in every way except for one: They don’t climb. Or ski. Or ride. And they aren’t interested in learning how. Is that a deal breaker? Would you walk away because they didn’t share your passion?
Or what if they do share your passion for a particular sport but don’t match up in other ways that matter? Would you go through with it?
These are not idle or easy questions. Nor are they uncommon. To the contrary: Most of the hardcore outdoor folks I know have wrestled with them. Some continue to do so even after they’ve made their commitment. Love would seem to conquer all, but when the very fiber of your being is wrapped up in your identity as an athlete of a particular flavor, the spark of romance can’t always overcome the unwillingness to wear Gore-Tex pants. I’ve had friends end up in unhappy relationships with partners who shred and others who’ve spent their years together grumbling that how their mate wouldn’t sleep in the dirt. And I’ve known happy marriages where she rips and he doesn’t and where they both get after it with equal skills and ardor. There are real life models for all these scenarios.
None of which helps when it comes down to you and your decision. And while I’m guessing most of us would say that on paper the most important things are shared values, respect, attraction, etc., not the ability to lead 5.13, it doesn’t always end up that way in the world of living, breathing, marrying humans. So, what about you? When it comes right down to it, which way do you go?
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{ 122 comments… read them below or add one }
Some overlap is nice, but it’s pretty unrealistic that EVERY pursuit can be in common. As long as you can get some time together, and some time for your interests, that’s the main thing.
if my Partner Shared my sport we would end up being to competitive, and would not be my partner anymore
Based on my experience & observation I’d say no, but having a spouse that “gets” the addiction to the activity is a requirement. My wife is pretty cool with me spending most weekends ditching the family and going to races, and once the kids are old enough to hit the trails too we’ll be doing it as a family.
I tried dating someone who didn’t share my outdoor interests and it failed miserably. They didn’t like that I was always away from them enjoying my passions. You can make it work, but it’s tough if the person isn’t supportive and understanding. Some people just don’t get it. I’d rather just be with someone who enjoys the same things. They don’t have to be on the same level, but if they do the same activities they’ll understand the commitment. It goes beyond just common interest though. It can cause all sorts of other conflicts. Someone who doesn’t mountain bike will never understand why one buys a $4k mountain bike for example (same with camping, skiing, snowboarding, climbing, or any other gear-centric sport).
They don’t have to share your sport…but it’s nice when they share your hammock!
Sharing the sport is not that important, but understanding that it’s important to me and letting me pursue it is vital.
If you can have common interests… especially activities you’re passionate about, it will go extremely far in making you feel happy when you’re with your partner. It doesn’t have to be 100% of them, but I’d say a 50/50 mix is the minimum…
My wife picked up Backpacking and Climbing when we started dating, but she refuses the Whitewater portion of my life. I enjoy having something that is my own.
I’d say they have to share some of them, but they don’t have to share all your sports..
Having shared activities is important, but it’s not realistic to expect the same level of passion. I love to ski and my partner may love swimming. The important element is respect for each others endeavors and a recognition of the value these pursuits bring to the person.
We share some, but not all. I think it is important to have some time away.
No. My best partners havent been into the same sports, they’ve been happy for me to go off and do them with friends. Now if they tried to stop me doing that … then we’d have an issue
No. If we have different interests, then we’ll have more to explore.
I enjoy enough different things that my wife enjoys some of them – just not the scary vertical ones.
no, not at all, but that doesn’t mean you can’t open each other up to new things
Although my wife will participate in my mountain sports we both just share a love for adventurous pursuits. I met her through skydiving
From personal experience, not sharing all the same interests allows for some alone time and outings with friends. However, having some shared interests is important.
The time apart can be good. But they should at least appreciate what you’re doing and be interested in it. And vice versa
No, I wouldn’t walk away if other things were there. Besides, that’s what friends are for.
As long as you can get some time together, and some time for your interests, that’s the main thing.
Where I’m at right now in my life I gotta go with yes. I’m usually spending 3 days a week in the mountains and often 1 or 2 evenings after work. Pretty much all my vacation time involves sleeping out of my truck or in the dirt.
Maybe as I get older my priorities will change around – but for now I can’t imagine anyone who didn’t have similar passions to me not being at least annoyed with how much time I spend outdoors.
I think it isn’t necessary for a couple to share every outdoor passion. In many instances I feel that it makes a relationship more exciting that way, because you can introduce your partner to new things.
I have come to find over the years that a person whom shares a general affinity for the outdoors seems to “fit” most comfortably. It’s not so much about loving the exact same venue (like I’m not so good w’ rock climbing as my Girl friend is, but I’m okay with hurling myself off a cliff with a wing suit of which she wants no part of). However, having someone to go hiking, or camping, cycling with and then have the extra, more individual endeavors, feels great. The connection I think lies with what the person realizes these activities can do for the soul, as well as the health and clarity of ones mind. Mental floss of sorts. The human body by design is Nomadic, it requires a bit of “get up and get out there”…even if your a gym rat…it’s all important. So, if I find someone who shares these Ideals, the levels of interpersonal connections are much more “on the same wave” so to speak. It carries on into the types of foods we enjoy, and can splurge on with reckless abandon, and just general well being.
nope, you just have to have someone that understands your crazy
We ski and mountain bike together, or we can do so apart. Shared experiences are in my opinion, better.
I tend to think having similar tastes in food, politics, and religion are a better barometer of successful relationships than outdoor endeavors.
Skiing, YES. Downhill mountain biking, NO.
Whether she does the sport or not, she needs to support me in my passion for climbing. I am quite lucy though…she started climbing 4 years ago, and now we share the passion, and it has become very much a part of our lifestyle.
My boyfriend does not rip. I do. He told me that if the snow was good and I was not injured and had been riding every weekend, we would have already broken up. Lame. Such a relevant question that I’m struggling with this very moment. I know in my heart the answer is YES, the right man for me will understand and support and also share in my passion for snowboarding…
While I often think it ideal that a partner share my interests, ultimately I’m not looking for a mirror of myself. Shared values, respect and open-mindedness are more important. There will always be plenty of people to enjoy outdoor activities with besides your partner.
I do not think that is a “must” but it is definitely a great benefit to a lasting relationship. This can also be assisted to having a partner that is at least willing to try. My wife and I don’t do everything the other one does, but we have a willingness to try for the other’s sake. Then we can make a determination if the activity is for us. If it is, great, we have a new activity that we each like. If not, we try new activities. This keeps the relationship from ever getting stale and maintains a newness to our lives, which are partly based around finding out new things and exploring.
Goodness no. Isn’t the divorce rate already around 50 percent?
The perfect partner? Sheesh….ask your shrink. And read some…maybe David Roberts. The outdoors life + domestic ‘bliss’? ? Toughen up…it’s never gonna work like you want.
It would be much nicer to have shared outdoor interests, but I don’t think its absolutely necessary. I think it’s more important to have shared interests in your lifestyle at home, as that is where most of your time is spent. It also depends on the interest – I’d rather be with someone who’d be into backpacking or camping than skiing, even though I love both, as I am fine skiing with buddies, but love overnight camp trips with the one i’m with.
I spend a lot of time on my bike & skis. With my husband & with my girlfriends. But if he didn’t share my passion, I think it would cause a lot of stress on our relationship.
I think there needs to be a general love of the outdoors and a willingness to try each others passions. There also needs to be an understanding and a flexibility to let the other enjoy what they enjoy, even if you don’t. But it is definitely a bonus if they are just as passionate as you.
No, but she better not resent your choice to choose your sport over your time spent together.
I enjoy having some activities in common, but everybody needs a little time to themselves every once in a while. I personally love that my wife doesn’t want to surf with me, it’s just my thing.
Certainly my partner doesn’t have to share every sport, and in fact it may best if there is one thing you can do for yourself, but having a good backcountry ski partner that is also your significant other has its benefits.
No, as long as both people are able to remain in balance – both as individuals and in the relationship. And each couple gets to determine what balance looks and feels like to them.
There just needs to be a mutual respect for each others’ passions . . . and the mutual acceptance that either one of you might get left a home with the kids when the powder is deep.
I think it helps to have some passions and sports in common.
I’ve had both types of relationships; a woman who didn’t want any part of my sport (but supported me fully) and a woman who not only did my sport, but did it better than me. I’m not sure what’s better, both come with pluses and minuses.
My wife loves the outdoors and we’re passing that on to our children…but at the same time she’s not daydreaming of thru hiking PCT like I am right now…Lots of compromise in a partnership.
You don’t have to share every activity or sport but it is important to share a couple.
My girlfriend and I enjoy the same outdoor activitys together, and apart. I would never “impose” anything on her nor she on me. It’s OK to be an individual, to be your own person.
nope
Babe needs to appreciate me getting after it, and that probably means she’ll need to as well.
As long as they’re willing to try whatever outdoor activity at least one time before writing it off.
Having shared activities is great, but I don’t feel that it is necessary for me. I love biking, camping and all types of outdoor adventures, my girlfriend of 2.5 years doesn’t mind an outdoor adventure in the woods, but will not join me in camping and the only biking she does is a short jaunt to the bar with me. Oh well, it helps us define personal time.
It sure helps, but it’s not necessary. I’d say it’s important that each partner at least try the other’s chosen sport/activity.
nope
Mutual respect for each other’s interests and interest in each other far outweighs the need for common sports interests.
I would say that it is healthier if you and your partner don’t share every passion. You should have activities that you do apart from each other.
I’m bittersweet about the fact that my girl doesnt ride, but its probably for the best becasue I don’t have to waste days teaching her on the bunny slopes (yet). While I would (probably) enjoy having her in the tree runs me, isnt that what my brothers are for?
People that play together stay together!
No, but its a nice plus
I say no, it is not a requirement. It is likely that two people in a relationship have some different interests. Most importantly, there is a mutual respect and understanding of these passions. Ideally, of course, there are passions that the two share. Celebrate these together and accept the others.
Yes!
The true test of any relationship is a canoe trip. Learn to get along in a boat and the rest is easy.
I think at least one shared passion is critical. I lucked out and have a best friend and my favorite partner for all my adventures as my fiance.
my lady and i ski all winter together, but in the summer time i ride my bike by myself.
in her words, “mountain biking is stupid.”
I think it helps but is not necessary.
Not necessary. I tried to entice her with a new bike, but no dice.
No (though a willingness to at least try goes a long way).
No, but it makes the adventuring more fun!!!
Although I don’t think it is crucial, NOT sharing climbing has been tough sometimes. My wife shreds the slopes at the drop of a hat but I would rather drive south, rope up and spend the day on the side of a cliff. There are definately posatives to having your own “thing” too as it keeps the space sometimes needed between multiple year marriages.
Deal breaker.
I would really really like it but I think it could work without it too
I’d be curious to see how responses to this question would break down based on gender. I think that for guys, it’s less essential for their partner to share their outdoors passion because they are likely to have an abundance of friends who do share their specific love of skiing, climbing, kayaking, etc., and their partner can be compatible in other aspects of life. But as a woman, less than half of my girlfriends have ANY interest in outdoors activities and I don’t have a single female friend that shares my passion for whitewater kayaking. And for a guy that doesn’t “get” my passions for being out in the wilderness and on the river, I think he’d be even less happy with me going off every weekend with my male friends who do share my passions.
So, as a woman, I think it’s pretty vital for the guy in my life to have a general appreciation for outdoors sports, not necessarily the exact same interests (for example my current boyfriend doesn’t kayak, and he goes fly-fishing without me), but we both “get” it and share a love of hiking, camping and skiiing. I agree with others that this is the best way, having shared passions, as well as something that’s your own. But not even owning some camping equipment, for me, is (and has actually been in the past) a deal breaker.
Some shared interests are good, but time apart is also good. I think that a passion for something is important, it just doesn’t have to be the same thing.
whats the point in having a partner if they aren’t passionate about the same activities as you. I guess they don’t have to share it, but they sure as hell better not complain about it, haha.
She doesn’t have to, but it’d sure be nice.
Sometimes it’s nice to get outside by myself, though.
No.
While it may not be necessary to share my particular sport, some degree of love for the outdoors is definitely a requirement.
There’s also an argument to be made for some privacy in a relationship. Sure, that can be taken too far to the point of separation, but in moderation, it could also be healthy. I don’t think its necessary to share the same passions. I quite enjoy training by myself and then coming back to the loving embrace of my girlfriend.
After 23 years of happily ever after, I can say no, you don’t have to share every sport and past-time, but it’s fun to share some. Allow each other time to pursue your passions, make time to pursue things together, and take on things that are new to you both. My partner was a passionate climber, mountaineer and whitewater kayaker when I met him while I was happier moseying along mountain trails identifying wildflowers or pursuing camera angles. These days, he fly-fishes while I row, and bird-hunts while I do the dog training. We backpack, hike, ski, canoe, bird and travel together, and we aid and abet each other’s independent interests. We’ve stretched each other, supported one another, and learned to NOT try to be the other’s teacher on anything new. Bodies age, injuries accumulate and interests change over the years–and the “perfect” partnership evolves with nurturing, patience, flexibility and humor.
I actually prefer to hike alone, so I don’t need my man to go along. Maybe every now and then, but not often.
yo
I like my release time. Just the dudes. No WAGs.
I think that it is important for my partner to be ” game” to try new things. I really enjoy exposing my girlfriends to new things, and watching them catch the adventure fever. I also think its important that you each have individual activities that are not necessarily shared. Ie. when I met my girlfriend she was a tiny 100lbs brunet who could barely do 10 push ups and had never been outside of the US, now she leads 5.11+
!!!!!, does multi day backpacking trips, travels, SUPs, and loves riding bikes. However she hates skiing, doesn’t like running outside, wont get on my motorcycle, and just about has a heart attack when she is in an airplane that im piloting. Thats ok though, ill keep those things to myself!!!
Sure, I like hiking naked.
YES! i love my partner and i think it definitely helps that i’m into what shes into and vice versa!
Not a deal breaker, but it’s a good thing fo sho!
It helps.
It’s not necessary, but certainly nice if they share some of your active pursuits. My wife and I love to backpack together, but I can’t get her in a kayak if the dock’s on fire. To not share everything also leads to some good “me” time.
no. its nice to have your own hobbies when you need some solitude.
Nope. She does yoga and runs. I learn yoga from her and ride. If she rode with me I’d go mad.
I don’t think my significant other needs to share my passion. I’d have to say that when I ride hard she’d never be able to keep up with me, so it’s best that she likes to do something else.
No but she supports me by encouraging me to seek out adventures.
No because she might be better than me at it, and I”m the hero in my life baby!
Sunglasses.
Not that you have to share every sport together, but a few is nice. it helps keep the balance between everything. she has shopping, you have hiking but you both share skiing.. its all good.
If she doesn’t ski she’s not going to be my wife.
Ideally, yes
They don’t have to share YOUR sport but if they don’t have any interest in outdoor pursuits things aren’t going to be easy. I love hiking and would love to climb more and my partner could take it or leave it. He loves dirtbikes and really, I have no interest. But at the end of the day if we’re dirty and sore, we’re happy. Different sports = similar environments everything is awesome.
Thus we’re getting married in Moab…
I said yes because although I’m very independent, it’s nice to have something you both enjoy doing together that gets you outside and activities you can roll into a vacation/weekend getaway. He doesn’t have to be passionate about it, but if he gets out there and doesn’t completely suck at it I’ll keep him!
.
If you want to be together for a long while.
Not all sports, and not to the same level, but some to at least some degree. Too many weekends apart doesn’t make for a great relationship.
It would be nice, but that is not always the case. Maybe it would be a good idea to find a sport that you both could agree on and go from there.
It is important that she is open to adventure but not in a hard-core sort of way. While we like to go camping and hiking together, I climb, snowboard, mountain bike, etc. without her. The important thing is that she understands that those things are part of my stress relief and I need to participate in them every now and then.
its awesome if she does,but its just a bonus
Maybe better if they don’t, but should at least try
Absolutely….to some level. It won’t work otherwise
It’s definitely nice sharing a sport with your partner, but it’s not crucial and there’s also the perspective of having separate pursuits being beneficial.
My partner doesn’t need to be equal in ability or the level of desire to participate in hiking, climbing, biking, etc, but there needs to be some level of participation. People can get jealous of time spent apart while participating in an activity just as easily as then can get jealous of time spent apart with another person. Don’t have to participate in each an every outing together either, to be able to share in the activity.
nope
Not a deal breaker, but it is a nice perk!
While it’s great to have someone who loves the same outdoor activities that you do and someone to share it all with, opposites attract. And it’s important to have something that you and a mate can escape to for a bit of time out.
If they cant get into it they better not try and stop me
not necessarily a deal breaker. in my case, it worked out perfectly. my gf now mtn bikes as much as I do!!! Yeah!
so far it hasn’t been too much of a bother, 12 years and counting
As long as you are both willing to learn…
We enjoy our time together, but having some time to enjoy our individual interest keeps our relationship fresh. We have been together for 22 years.
For 26 years she hasnt loved my passion (climbing) and I havnt loved hers (cooking) and we still love each other
Yes and no. must be willing to rough it for an over night, must feel some sort of afinity for the outdoors, not required to share all my interests. But of course, Id be drawn to someone who I could share my weekends with.
A little alone time is a great thing.
I think that the fundamental things that one looks for in a relationship should be focused on first and foremost. Core values are always more of a deal breaker. Besides when love truly prevails often times your partner is more inclined to get involved in things you love solely for no other reason than that they love you. If we were all cookie cutters of one another the world would be a very boring place.
It would be nice to share my weekends and spare time with someone I love, but not a deal breaker.
I think an interest in the activity is necessary, but guys and girls are so different.
I can’t imagine a bigger turn on than being beat by a girl…